"That Old Time Rock-n-Roll" is NOT a dance tune.

After nearly 3 yrs of near social reclusiveness; closer to 7 years of shunning the LDS singles scene, I finally let a friend (a fairly new, but I say dear, friend) talk me into accepting an invitation to a casual gathering, where I actually participated in "social interaction" with LDS Singles.

I think I did fairly well, for a first venture after so long. I tried to curb my competitve nature when it comes to "games", and go with the not-really-following-any-rules flow of the Pictionary game, though either some of them just weren't trying very hard, or I am really good at Pictionary.

Well, actually, I am really good at Pictionary.

But, I must not have been too obnoxious because I was thereafter inviting to go bowling, and to another upcoming event. The people in this little group are of all ages and circumstance, and I found them to be pleasant and non-judgemental, and all-importantly, funny, and since I am in serious need of "social interaction", I think I should venture further.

One of the Group members RSVP'd in the negative to the upcoming event, citing prior commitment to DJ a dance. LDS Single Adult Dance. *cough*dances are evil* The suggestion was then put forth to attend said dance after the dinner out and festivities in, celebrating the birthday of one group member who is a Leo by the skin of her teeth and must therefore be totally awesome. (Either that or we'll hate each other on sight.)

Ha. Attend a dance. Not likely. Not only do I have an un-testimony of the single adult program, but I think I may have also taken an oath against singles dances. I cannot think of a more terrifying social scenario than walking alone into a cultural hall full of LDS singles with music playing.

Let's set the scene:

Lights; dim but not dark. Disco ball; probably (and probably the only good thing), crepe paper decorations; maybe. Good music; unlikely. Chairs line the walls. DJ booth/table up front or on the stage. The cool people are already dancing near the DJ. Women line the invisible boundry of the dance floor, feeling uncomfortable and on display, out-numbering the men at least 5:1.

The men, with all this opportunity to "dance" at the dance (yes, it is a verb as well) surrounding them, are, of course, slyly waiting in an unspoken queue to dance with the one woman with bleached blonde hair, a boob job and a low cut top.

The other women sometimes take up arms and dance with one another in small groups. Very European. Or very 1940's War-time-and-all-the-men-are-over-seas.

70's Saturday Night on KOOL-FM in the privacy of one's own homes would be vastly superior to submitting oneself to this repeated rejection.

There are several theories as to why, at a ratio of 5:1, men are waiting in line to dance with Barbie.

1. Single LDS men over 35 are the most judgemental sub-group of males on the planet.

2. Divorced single LDS men are of the mentality that they now deserve the most beautiful woman in the room, and nothing less. Regardless of love handles, male-pattern baldness, or all the reasons their first (and/or second) wives divorced them, nothing but top-o-the-line will do for them now. (see 1.)

3. To the LDS male, asking a woman to dance is akin to a marriage proposal. Before the LDS male will ask a woman to dance, or accept an invitation from a woman to dance, he must be sure that she is, at first glance, marriage material. (see 1.) To speak to her or dance with her a second time, he must have had personal revelation that she could be the next "one". This is, in a nutshell, the law that governs the sub-group.

Any protestations of "shyness" to excuse ignoring all those other women are easily negated by the Barbie-Line.

Women lining the dance floor. The cool people dancing. The men lined up to dance with the Hot Chick. This seems a little familiar...checking long-term memory...oh yes; JUNIOR HIGH.

The Group into which I am venturing seems to be mysteriously capable, on the whole, of "hanging out"; an oddity in Mormondom, I must say. I proceed warily, as if entering a cold lake, one toe at a time.

Perhaps things have changed in the LDS singles world since last I checked, or perhaps stumbling upon this tiny band is like discovering Shangri-La, hidden amidst the misty mountains; out of time, out of space...singular unto itself.