Monday, February 1, 2010

Crappity Crap Crap Crapness

Yeah, bad words...running through my head. But listening to my uplifting music and trying to get through this part of the day.

I did not even take a baby step today. Unless paper-clipping two important papers together can count as a baby step.

Missed church yesterday. Had my clothes all laid out, bag packed with music, scriptures, everything...then woke up and could barely move without pain. Even the knuckles in my toes hurt! Could barely move my fingers, knuckles hurt so badly! Arms and shoulders too. Didn't know to what to chalk it up until I heard on FB from a friend that she couldn't get up either and said it was her fibromyalgia. So...something in the weather, must have been my fibro. Stayed in bed nearly all day, missed church, showered later (new thing; standing in the shower and crying), went back to bed, got dressed only because Mom was expecting us for dinner. Had to take the walker! Got some ibuprofen on the way (of which I was out) and have been taking that.

I hated missing church, now that I'm able to get there. And choir practice! Staying on the ibuprofen, the only pain med I am on, and it helps me walk easier. More easily. You tell me, Mary. But...hearing that it was blamable on the weather, I was oddly relieved that it wasn't cancer having a growth spurt overnight!

I have been reading blogs and posts of fellow METS survivingers...surviving day by day...and people going on and on and on...cancer spreading, more chemo....still going on and on...GOOD ON THEM!! But I don't want to go through all that!! I want to go in for a scan one day and have my liver be COVERED in inoperable lesions and those effing ridiculously low numbers that I don't trust anyway having gone SKY high....couple weeks in and BAM...Alma 40:12.

Seriously, my doctor telling me that the 5-15 yrs my radiologist told me is "best case scenario" is starting to seem a bit low-balled! I'm thinking too much about it again, and stressing...because I have so much to stress about!

Sister helping me with the logistics of the fiscal solutions (ah ha, make sense out of that!), and she says "baby steps, just do something each day"...but some days I just can't do it! And I need to go faster, get this crap done!! They keep telling me if I can get through this fiscal crap, get on a level playing field, so to speak, I'll feel so much better...and then be able to try to make it through the 2 effing years waiting time on SSDI until I qualify for Medicare...meanwhile 2 years of COBRA will surely land me living in my car!

That is my fear. Living on too long, too much to deal with, and ending up living in my car.

Yes, bad attitude day, I suppose you could say.

BUT I'm making, and have made about 5 so far, bracelets with letter beads that say "surviving". This is my quest, to make that more in vogue that "survivor", which I may have discussed earlier or not. If not, I'll go on about it later. I want to make a BUNCH of these bracelets (got more letter beads on sale this week) and give them out in my support group, and my friends at church who I know to have had cancer. Tiny little bits of positivity here and there, until I get bored sometimes, and frustrated.

Posting while my Playlist is running is messing it up, and I want to listen to music. Signing out...Shelli G., SURVIVING in AZ. Surviving the Dirty Pink Underbelly. For now...and for many years to come because if it's crap, that's how my life will go.

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