17 hours...

Tomorrow afternoon seems a long way off. I'm worrying I won't get the information I need, that the office will be rushed, that for once, in all the time I've known him, the doctor won't be wonderful. My biggest worry is money, and insurance. I am so depressed I can barely function, and it still feels like so much needs to be done! I fear I will linger for years, and be sent back to work on Femara, and feel like crap all the time. I fear that will be my only option, faced with COBRA, since AHCSS is cutting me off. I will ask someone to call and get some information. I just can't do it. I can't cope, I can't function. I can't make calls, I can't fill out forms; I hear the Cymbalta commercials and say, yes, that's me!

No fever again this morning, and tonight, only low grade, but not until about 9:00pm.

Some of my friends can't stand when I talk about checking out. Especially when I express that I'm really OK with it. I just hope I can get to sleep tonight, so I can get to the doctor and not have it feel like an eternity. I need good, solid info. I need bone info. I need organ info. I need cancer marker info. I'm in limbo, not knowing any more than I do. I feel very lost right now, feel like I have no family to look after me, to help me with the hard things. And now that I'm crying, I have a headache.

I know that regardless of the outcome, I'm going to have to deal with my long term disability, and AHCSS and SS Disability. I'm sure I feel too good to be dead by the end of the month. And if things are bad, then I'll need that coverage even more. Nothing is going as I thought it would.

I'm on the verge of waxing morbid now, so I'd better stop. I'm sorry my last several posts have been nothing but whining. The month wait to the scan was hard, but this week wait for the results has been hell. I hope the doctor knows that.