Sunday, October 11, 2009

17 hours...

Tomorrow afternoon seems a long way off. I'm worrying I won't get the information I need, that the office will be rushed, that for once, in all the time I've known him, the doctor won't be wonderful. My biggest worry is money, and insurance. I am so depressed I can barely function, and it still feels like so much needs to be done! I fear I will linger for years, and be sent back to work on Femara, and feel like crap all the time. I fear that will be my only option, faced with COBRA, since AHCSS is cutting me off. I will ask someone to call and get some information. I just can't do it. I can't cope, I can't function. I can't make calls, I can't fill out forms; I hear the Cymbalta commercials and say, yes, that's me!

No fever again this morning, and tonight, only low grade, but not until about 9:00pm.

Some of my friends can't stand when I talk about checking out. Especially when I express that I'm really OK with it. I just hope I can get to sleep tonight, so I can get to the doctor and not have it feel like an eternity. I need good, solid info. I need bone info. I need organ info. I need cancer marker info. I'm in limbo, not knowing any more than I do. I feel very lost right now, feel like I have no family to look after me, to help me with the hard things. And now that I'm crying, I have a headache.

I know that regardless of the outcome, I'm going to have to deal with my long term disability, and AHCSS and SS Disability. I'm sure I feel too good to be dead by the end of the month. And if things are bad, then I'll need that coverage even more. Nothing is going as I thought it would.

I'm on the verge of waxing morbid now, so I'd better stop. I'm sorry my last several posts have been nothing but whining. The month wait to the scan was hard, but this week wait for the results has been hell. I hope the doctor knows that.


Unknown said...

I just wanted to affirm that I have no problem whatsoever with your longing to "check out." Or with any discussion of it. I think people get bothered because we have such a societal taboo against anything remotely suicidal, and expressing a longing for, or even an acceptance of, death comes a little too close to that taboo for most people's comfort.

The bottom line is, Heavenly Father knows what you're going through, knows why you're here, and understands why you would be interested in checking out due to your pain and suffering. He doesn't hold it against you at all, so why should anyone else worry about it?

What was that Deep Thought again? Don't judge people until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Then, you'll be a mile away and they'll have no shoes!

Unknown said...

I meant to remind you that you should appeal that AHCCCS verdict. They denied you because they felt you had too much income, but you don't have ANY income. You need to do that.

And as for family to look after you, one of the many things I learned during Kevin's illness is that if you want something done, you usually just have to do it yourself. There were a lot of things that I "needed" Kevin to do, that he couldn't. Then I found myself wanting other people to help me, but they would get tied up with their own family obligations. Finally, I realized that if I wanted it done, I needed to do it. People would help me make up the difference, but I had to actually do it, or get it started.

Your situation is somewhat different, obviously, because you're the one who is sick, but just try to focus on doing what you can, so that others can help you make up the difference.