Saturday, October 10, 2009

Time is slowing ...

I have like 32 hrs left until my doctor's appointment on Monday. I don't know how I'll make it. I don't know if it's good or bad that they haven't called, and whether that would be my good, or their good. I tried to go to bed and just started thinking of all I have to do...AHCSSS says they will only cover me through October, because I will make too much money on LTD; obviously not taking into account that I will then be paying COBRA, which will probably amount to more than I will be making.

The simplest option I see is to die before Halloween. 2nd simplest is to miraculously feel great by the 20th, and go back to work, and work until I die.

I didn't have my every 12 hr fever this morning. 1st time in a week I think. I am not good at keeping track of time. I had one this evening, but I kicked it fairly quickly. I have a feeling that my kidneys are involved in this fever thing. I finished that round of antibiotics, but the fevers continued, until this morning. I try to drink more water, juice (apple juice is good for combating the undesirable side effect of Vicodin), but when I get the fever at night, and I'm all achy, part of what aches is in the kidney area. Where this whole thing started.

I'm so tired all the time. Getting dressed and leaving the house is a major even, taking hours to get showered, rest, put on underwear, rest, put on clothes, get the picture. I don't want to feel like this for months or years! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of stressing. And tired of feeling like crap every night, obsessing over my thermometer. I know I should have called the doctor last week when the fevers continued. Or gone to see my PCP, but it was a hard week; fever and aches from 5 am until 10 or 11...then again at 5 or 6 pm until 12? 1?

My mom is in Idaho, my sister is there this week, and Becky, who is my rock, if out of town this week as well. (Damn October Break from schools!) Mary doesn't have to work Monday, since it's Columbus Day, so she's going to take me to the doctor. I barely feel capable of driving short distances lately; it's just so exhuasting.

I just don't want to go back in the hospital, not until it's time to die. The insurance has this dang $200+ per day deductible for the first 3 days...which is crap...and calling it a deductible exempts it from being over your out-of-pocket limit. I'd rather sleep in my own bed.

I hate this house. It's always messy, and smelly, and I can't do anything about it. I love my son and he does so much for me, getting me things, remembering my meds, toting and fetching all day long and in the middle of the night if I need him. But he's messy. And he likes to spend his time on the computer. I can't deal with all our animals anymore. I think the older 2 or 3 need to go to the farm. I just can't deal with anyone else's illness. Becky said she'd help me with the taking to the vet and crying stuff. Maybe I just need to start throwing stuff away. I liked the house when there wasn't anything in it when the tile was installed...haha.

One more more night...then the results, and pretty soon I'm gonna need better meds.

1 comment:

Mary said...

I hate my house, too. It's always messy and smelly and I can't do anything about it. LOL! Yeah, I know my scenario is not the same as yours. I just had to laugh when I read that section because it really sounded familiar! At least I have four kids who do their chores, and a husband who helps out when he can. I need to have another major cleaning day, though.

For your house, I think that you should get rid of the older two animals. More, if you're up to it. I don't mean to sound careless, or unfeeling, but I know that when you've got a lot on your plate, something's got to give.

I would also go along with the throwing away idea -- or at least sending it to Goodwill! Decluttering is always a good thing.