I don't sleep at normal times. Last night I was up until 3:00am, then slept until past noon. Actually, I sleep about 4 hrs at a time...I wake up around 6 or 7 when the dog wants to go outside and the chickens want to be let out of their roosting pen, and I need to use the restroom. I can't make myself get up then though. Aside from the fact that I just went to sleep at 3:00am, I have no motivation for getting up. I'm still tired, and getting up is work...getting dressed, getting showered (though not in that order)...WORK!
I went to bed at 1:00am tonight...(yes, 45 minutes later, here I am)...and lay there crying, not tired, feeling depressed, feeling upset that I can't sleep, thinking too much, feeling guilty about not being able just to be back at work, worrying about the thick packet of paperwork I need to finish this weekend...I don't like crying. Not in bed alone. I hate it. I got up to whine about it here, and remembered I had not taken a Xanax at bedtime. So, I took one, and I am hoping it helps. It hasn't been making me sleepy lately, but it still helps a bit with crying and anxiety.
I went to the doctor today, only to find out when I signed in that my appointment is actually on Monday. I had checked my printout from last time for the time, and didn't even look at the date. Or it could be that dates and days mean very little to me and I have a hard time keeping track. So I gave the receptionist some info for billing AHCSSS and said, "I guess I"ll see you Monday then!" I think I have a counseling appt Monday also, around midday. Since I am so screwed up, luckily the two didn't end up over-lapping.
Reading about benzos today, I read that Xanax isn't for long term, and Valium shouldn't be used by people with sleep apnea. I am undiagnosed, but the sleep study showed several "incidences", just not enough for the insurance company to care; thus the dying while on Ambien in the hospital. That really pissed me off, because when I had Valium for the PET scan, it was so wonderful, even at a low dose, just for the procedure; I know a higher dose would help me sleep. I have got to do something about this sleeplessness. Apparently, insomnia is a reported side effect of the damn Femara. That's just what I need. I will make an appt with the family doctor on Monday, and talk to her again about different drugs.
Oh, and yes, I need to get Brad in next week, and get his prescriptions filled before the 31st, when he falls off my insurance. I have heard nothing from his father about the subject, other than that he called someone in HR and hadn't received a returned call yet. That was at the beginning of this week! I wonder what the retail on Brad's meds is?
I even had a list ready for the doctor, and printed out, one for me, one for him, for today! I think when I lay down to try to sleep, the disappointment hit me of being wrong about today being my appointment.
I really don't know how I am going to make it, fiscally, long term. The emotional and mental are difficult; fiscal seems insurmountable.
It's 2:00am now. I suppose I can try bed again.
3 comments:
I remember those days of Kevin being awake all night long, not being able to sleep, and being stressed because he wanted to be able to get up because there were things to do, but he just couldn't. Finally, a wise priesthood leader told him that he was sleeping because he needed the sleep. His body and mind were healing while he slept, and not to try to force himself to stay awake. After he just accepted it, he actually relaxed and started to be able to regulate a little better.
I know you have things to do, too, but maybe you can just lie in bed one morning to make your phone calls, instead of worrying about getting up and showering. I know many of your phone calls are to people back east, so you have to call them early in the day. But you don't have to shower until later, unless you have an appointment or something. I know, I know, it's so easy to have the answers when you're not in the situation.
Hello Shelli!
I wanted to let you know about an interesting cancer blog a group of cancer patients have been working on.
A fellow tongue cancer patient was sent home to die. There was nothing more that can be done. Cancer survivors ask him life altering questions.
Please read: Dead Man Talking http://beyondtheglassdoor.blogspot.com
Peace B
Dear Dr. Swill,
Thank you for sharing your strength. I read Part 1 on your blog and look forward to reading Part 2. Thank you.
Love,
Shelli G.
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