I still don't feel very well, and physically just tired. I have this increasing pain, I may have mentioned it, in my side at about my waist or so. It's now moving around my stomach and the other side is starting to hurt. Hurts the most when I lie down or get up, so when I went to bed, I started crying because it hurt and made me think of my paranoia: that it's cancer all along those bones, spreading around my ribs and my pelvic bone. And there's the kicker paranoid part; I have an umbilical hernia, which has been re-herniated for several years, which has been more painful in the past several months. A hernia is a tear in the lining that holds your guts in. OK, I know the cancer spreads via blood, which would explain why it's on MY HEAD, but what if...WHAT IF...it's growing around my rib cage and will just help itself right inside the tear in my hernia lining. thing. YEAH. That would be bad, right? I mean, lots of stuff in there...
Every new pain that doesn't go away quickly, I am just SURE is cancer spreading.
So, I had to get up and write it down. To hopefully get it out of my head. MONDAY is the PET Scan. It feels like...D-Day? Is that a proper analogy? Doctor called me in ONE Valium for the procedure. It's my first time with Valium. I hope it doesn't let me down in the calmness, anti anxiety department, because, seriously, the only thing that would make me happier is if they offered me a doobie...(which spell check thinks should be "doorbell, which would NOT make me one iota as happy).
Tonight I just feel like things are speeding up...that I don't has as much time as I assumed I did to get things in order for my son. And crying in bed NEVER puts me to sleep.