Thursday, January 28, 2010


Actually, that should be "too much with which to deal" case Mary reads this...haha.

I can't find the papers I need, the ones I can find are a mess, I need the one from the SSDI so I can send it to the Hartford, to prove that SSDI is not paying me SSI for my child, who is NOT a minor...I know I should be working on stuff today, and I tried, but I just feel like crying today. I may go take a shower, then work on my jewelry-making and watch Eddie Izzard DVD's. I'm sliding back to my "why can't I just die" attitude. I'm going to have to drag all my buckets and of paper work over to my sister's house so she can help me get organized. She doesn't like to come over here, because it smells of cats.

My son tells me, as I'm driving him to school this morning, "oh by the way, I'm going out of town with dad this weekend"...!!! I wanted his dad to help him get his bike tires pumped, or replaced, or whatever to get it in working order. I talked to my counselor about this and decided that for starters, I'd drive him TO school, with the bike on the rack on the back of the car like I did in H.S., and make him ride it home. Weaning him in to riding both ways....which he doesn't want to do, since it is ever so slightly uphill on the way there. I'll have to get someone who can lift things to help me, and hope they just need air. I can't afford to replace tires right now; that's why I wanted dad to help him do it!!!

Some people in my situation (physically/health-wise) are so happy and chipper and thrilled to still be here. Some are going through crap I hope to never have to go near. Some are just starting out, are terrified, and sick....I'm not happy and chipper. Yesterday my counselor thought I was looking and sounding so much better...he doesn't know about days like today when I just sit here and cry and can't do a thing.

Another thing about my Support Group...I think everyone there has a husband or partner! Maybe not the one lady who also has METS who is so chipper, just retired....I don't know how she does it. Maybe she's that way at group, and cries at home. Who knows.

I have so much to do, and I am short money this month because of the SSDI / SSI mix-up, on top of the fact that my SSDI started in Jan, but not PAID until Feb, so Hardford DI only paid me $50 this month, until I can show what SSDI is actually paying basically; no money in January.

I am really happy that I've been able to get back to church. That is really helping me. The first week I went, I wore myself out carrying all my stuff around using just my cane. A set of scriptures AND my backpack/purse is heavy!! So this week I swallowed my yellow-tennis-ball pride and took my walker. Hanging the books in a bag from one side and my purse on the other side made it MUCH easier, and I wasn't so exhausted after.

Maybe a shower and a methyphenedate will make me feel better. A bit better. Maybe.

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