Lunesta...one-hit-wonder

The lunesta only worked the one night, but at least I was awake for Thanksgiving day. Next night I was up until 3 or 4, night after that, I was up until 7:30am, and still awake at 9:00am when my son woke me for the cursed Femara. Needless to say, I slept until 5:00pm.

Then, I tried a brilliant, yet naughty, plan...(naughty since I did it without permission)...I took 2 alprazolam (xanax). Didn't do anything, so in an hour or so, I took 2 more. Of course by this time it was midnight, so I overslept the alarm I set to get up and make it to church! I even showered that night, so I could just get up and get dressed, since showering is SUCH an ordeal to me. I may be mixing my nights up here...I think it was Saturday night when the plan didn't work until late, and I overslept church. Anyhow, Sunday night I took 3 alprazolam, and before I even got to bed a bit later, I was feeling it...HOORAY! I went to sleep quickly (my biggest hurdle) and slept through the night, though, since I went to bed about midnight, had a bugger of a time getting up at 9:00 to make my Doctor appt w/ my PCP. I confessed my experiment w/ the alprazolam, and she didn't bat an eye...wrote me a scrip for 3mg/night. My Onc will probably have a fit; he thought 1mg was a lot...but I need to sleep so he'll have to a) get over it, or b) write me Valium.
I am also switching from Zoloft (and stopped the Celexa) to Pristiq. I know it's not a generic, but I want to try it. Dr. gave me a month worth of samples, and I'll see her again in 30 days to see how it worked, and get a prescription for probably a higher dose.

I can hardly wait until bedtime tonight to try it again. I hope it wasn't a fluke, like the one time with the Lunesta. I am going to go to bed earlier, so I wont sleep the day away. I'm so excited at the prospect of doing things in the daytime! I was beginning to feel like a vampire.

Well, an agoraphobic vampire, since I never went out at night either....

I'm just sayin'.

Plan D and Support Group Insights

Plan D...is not working either. Doctor gave me samples of 3mg Lunesta. I took it at 11:00pm. Went to bed, tossed and turned until 1:00am. Got up and watched comedian videos on youtube until 3:00am. Went back to bed, lay there awake, and decided that maybe I'd try again to just stay up until the following night. It's 5:00am. Problem is, as soon as the sun comes up, I get sleepy, and could sleep for 14 hours...I'm completely switched around. I don't like it, it makes me angry, and I'm completely non-productive, obviously, since I'm asleep all day!! I don't know what to do.

I went to the Cancer Support Group tonight. I felt like a big downer, and cried a lot, saying I didn't want to live 8 or 11 yrs, that I wanted 1 or 2...max...cry cry cry....I felt REALLY bad because there were 3 first timers, and one who had been coming as support to her sister in law, who just got diagnosis news yesterday. No meeting in December, and I really feel like I need to apologize!! I sure hope they come again.

But, as I got home, and things started sinking in, a point that was brought up started to make sense for me. That sometimes it takes a while for our mind to catch up to where our body is in the disease/treatment. I was SO calm when I first got the diagnosis of metastasis. It's almost like I already knew, or expected it. I was pretty calm about it throughout the hospital stay, apart from the discomforts of the hospital stay. Maybe my mind is just now starting to catch up. I was so depressed already from 9 months of chronic pain; then add the diagnosis to that...I am one depressed puppy!! I had really lost much of my will to live BEFORE I was told I had a cancer that could kill me/would kill me in (max) 15 yrs.

I also have a very small "plate". When people say "I have a lot on my plate", they usually have a dinner plate. Some people have a freakin' platter. I, on the other hand, have a tea-cup plate. Put more than 2 or 3 things on and it just starts spilling out all over and I cannot cope. So, tonight I am trying to think of what I would want to do once things get to a status quo...when all these kinks are ironed out (paperwork, insurance, disability...), what do I want to do? I feel pressure (put on myself) to work, yet I know that physically I am not ready, and emotionally, probably not either...I'm just feeling guilty and the sleepless nights make me feel restless.

I really want to go back to bed right now. 5:20am. I know I'll go to sleep in quick time now, but getting up at 9 or 10 is practically impossible! WAKING up is practically impossible, and when my son (bless his heart) brings me my Femara at 9:00am, I am often not even coherent. OK, I'll try it again...and try to get up at 9 or 10. And make myself stay up all day. Maybe that will help. This is a really boring time of day, and hard to stay up anyway, but, since this has become my pattern, I also really feel tired finally. How can 3mg of Lunesta not even phase me??? I've got to get turned back around.