Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Plan D and Support Group Insights

Plan not working either. Doctor gave me samples of 3mg Lunesta. I took it at 11:00pm. Went to bed, tossed and turned until 1:00am. Got up and watched comedian videos on youtube until 3:00am. Went back to bed, lay there awake, and decided that maybe I'd try again to just stay up until the following night. It's 5:00am. Problem is, as soon as the sun comes up, I get sleepy, and could sleep for 14 hours...I'm completely switched around. I don't like it, it makes me angry, and I'm completely non-productive, obviously, since I'm asleep all day!! I don't know what to do.

I went to the Cancer Support Group tonight. I felt like a big downer, and cried a lot, saying I didn't want to live 8 or 11 yrs, that I wanted 1 or 2...max...cry cry cry....I felt REALLY bad because there were 3 first timers, and one who had been coming as support to her sister in law, who just got diagnosis news yesterday. No meeting in December, and I really feel like I need to apologize!! I sure hope they come again.

But, as I got home, and things started sinking in, a point that was brought up started to make sense for me. That sometimes it takes a while for our mind to catch up to where our body is in the disease/treatment. I was SO calm when I first got the diagnosis of metastasis. It's almost like I already knew, or expected it. I was pretty calm about it throughout the hospital stay, apart from the discomforts of the hospital stay. Maybe my mind is just now starting to catch up. I was so depressed already from 9 months of chronic pain; then add the diagnosis to that...I am one depressed puppy!! I had really lost much of my will to live BEFORE I was told I had a cancer that could kill me/would kill me in (max) 15 yrs.

I also have a very small "plate". When people say "I have a lot on my plate", they usually have a dinner plate. Some people have a freakin' platter. I, on the other hand, have a tea-cup plate. Put more than 2 or 3 things on and it just starts spilling out all over and I cannot cope. So, tonight I am trying to think of what I would want to do once things get to a status quo...when all these kinks are ironed out (paperwork, insurance, disability...), what do I want to do? I feel pressure (put on myself) to work, yet I know that physically I am not ready, and emotionally, probably not either...I'm just feeling guilty and the sleepless nights make me feel restless.

I really want to go back to bed right now. 5:20am. I know I'll go to sleep in quick time now, but getting up at 9 or 10 is practically impossible! WAKING up is practically impossible, and when my son (bless his heart) brings me my Femara at 9:00am, I am often not even coherent. OK, I'll try it again...and try to get up at 9 or 10. And make myself stay up all day. Maybe that will help. This is a really boring time of day, and hard to stay up anyway, but, since this has become my pattern, I also really feel tired finally. How can 3mg of Lunesta not even phase me??? I've got to get turned back around.

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