Tuesday, November 10, 2009

If I'm just along for the ride...

...I'm ready to get off now thank you.

Still dealing with insomnia. Someone told me that Zoloft should be taken in the AM, though last time I was on it, it did make me too sleepy, so my doctor told me to take it in the PM. Up until 4am last night, took Xanax and NyQuil before heading for bed before sun-up, slept until 1pm. I decided to take the Zoloft in the morning (ha! 2pm), with my Celexa. By 3pm I was so tired I went and lay down. Slept HARD until almost 8pm. Unfortunately, I can't get back to sleep now, but tomorrow I'm going to take the Celexa and Zoloft at night, and try my methylphenedate in the morning, to hopefully feel more able. I haven't taken my Femara for about 4 days. Working on switching my sleep schedule back to night from day. I had a thought, maybe deep in my psyche somewhere, I fear sleeping at night due to the respiratory failure at night in the hospital. I don't know. I just hate this late night/early morning being awake crap.

Mailed my pkg to the SSDI people today. I have agonized over it being done correctly.

Counseling appointment tomorrow 12:15pm. Yes, I'll have to set an alarm for that one. Ugh.
Can hardly wait for the 4th Tuesday to be around the people in the Cancer Support Group.

Still not asleep. Lying there thinking and started crying. I hate that. Maybe I'll stay up all night and all day tomorrow. Maybe then I'll sleep Tuesday night.

I was thinking about my car wreck last November. The agent for the guy who hit me, or rather ran over my car, has been so frustrating and lacking in his contact with me. I got a letter a few days ago from a higher-up who has taken over the case, and from the letter it sounded like he didn't fill her in very well. I had chronic pain from the aggravated sciatic nerve for 8 months!! Chronic pain causes depression...made me cranky...I got in trouble at work, which pushed me over the edge. I called for help on a hotline we have, and started seeing a counselor, but that night was as close to suicidal as I've ever been. If this insurance company doesn't come through on this, I will get a lawyer and sue the jerk who ran over me.

When I got written up at work, I was so angry and shocked. Couldn't my manager have talked to me first, asked what was up? I had just been to the doctor for pain meds, so I could sleep though the pain. They didn't care. Between then and the review, I went back on antidepressants. They didn't care. They didn't care about the why, only that some of my behaviors had inconvenienced the manager. And every time I think about this, I start to cry. I think what maybe hurt the most, and continues to make me cry, is that my manager's boss was there too; someone I look up to and admire and have always considered a mentor. She said some very harsh words to me that were very hurtful. And I still feel hurt when I think about this whole stupid insurance and accident thing. The sciatic pain got better, sometime in July. No more shooting pains, or throbbing when I tried to sleep. Of course that was replaced by the pain of my cancer diagnosis, which we found when my Onc was concerned that I was still in so much pain.

I'm having lunch with two people from work on Saturday. The manager's manager (Escrow Manager) is one of them. I love her, I really do, and admire her way of communicating and handling conflict. But this time, it was just very hurtful. She wasn't a mediator. She was one of the executioners. I need to forgive and forget. And stop crying about it.

To go from 8 months of chronic sciatic pain, straight into a Stage IV cancer diagnosis to my bones, which is painful, though I'm doing OK with that right now, the depression has just gotten deeper and deeper. Insomnia, presumably from the cancer medication, is making it all the worse. This cancer will kill me. But I don't want it to kill me in 5 yrs, or 10 yrs, or 15 yrs...I want it to kill me soon. Six to twelve months would be good. Sleeping at night, instead of crying in bed, would be good. Not losing my house would be good. Not gaining a bunch of weight because all I want to eat is Oreos, Entenmann's donuts and non-diet orange soda would be good. I've given up diet soda because most places you can only get cola in diet, and I can't take the caffeine, not with this insomnia. And caffeine free diet Pepsi is so yuck...almost like bland. Caffeine free (non-diet) Pepsi is pretty good. I should probably give up soda all together. All this sugar is going to make me fat and mess with my fasting insulin levels, insulin resistance, which I had down to fine, no meds, before going in the hospital.

So now what...how many days in a row has it been? Do I stay up and try to find something stupid on the television, or go to bed and cry? I really want something to eat. Why is it that when things get tight, and grocery budgets dwindle, I feel like I am always hungry?? I lost weight the first month after radiation. I ate not much of anything. I'm sure I've gained it all back in about two weeks. Nachos would make me feel better, and maybe make me sleepy. Filiberto's is open 24 hrs, but I'm not dressed. I didn't get dressed all day today, didn't shower, didn't even put a headband or a housecoat on. I'll let the dog out and then decide.


shelli said...

p.s. the whole blog about the accident is under "Urban Assault" in Jan 09. It's one of my better pieces of work, before I started just whining all the time.

by...K@ Ashcroft said...

Shelli, I think your diet is a huge contributor to how your feeling. It sounds like you are getting a sugar rush in the earlier part of the day and then crashing mid day and then sugar rush again at night.
I know it sucks and food is the last thing you want to add to your list of worries but weight aside, you need to at least eat to make you feel good not groggy. first give up the soda altogether and then eat whole grains, low fat dairy and fruits and veg's. Also try going for a walk, even if it's not far (how about the mailbox)it will make you feel better. Also also also...try sitting in the sunshine for at least 10min a day you could use the good vibrations. :) and also.... hang in there and know you are loved!