Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Griping, Whining and Tears

Sorry, that's pretty much all I've got. I griped and whined all day on facebook yesterday, since, no, I didn't have anything better to do for Labor Day, then got up in the middle of the night to apologize for it. I had forgotten I decided to keep the sad stuff here and just be funny on facebook. I must say, though, that having a superior following my blog makes me feel a little stiffled. I'm sure I've whined things I don't care for work to know. So, before we go farther, everyone reading, please raise your right hand and repeat after me:

"I understand that the author of this blog says whatever the hell she pleases, that sometimes she says things that aren't really as big as she makes them out to be, because, well, she could be dying here. If I choose to continue reading this drivel, I will take it with a grain of salt, not tell HR, and laugh when she's funny and whenever she says "hey, I could be dying here..."

OK, some things ARE big deals. Life really sucks right now. DES needs proof of my disability status with work in order to process my request for AHCCSS assistance, and my short term disability, which should have kicked in about a month ago, has not yet sent me a check. OK, my doctor's office was a little late getting us the forms we needed to send them, but it's been a while. I was told they were cutting a check on Friday, but today their system said my claim was still pending. I am out of money. The hospital maxed my credit card when they asked me for more payment while I was hopped up on morphine. Prescriptions are running out and I really need to see my primary care doctor (for better prescriptions, of course). Every night I cry before bed. Every time I think about all this, I cry. Everything will be fine in a few months, I hope, but I don't know how I will get to that point.

Had my next-to-last radiation treatment today. My other guy, John, was there! I was so glad to see him again. I saw the doctor after my treatment. This scan issue is making me crazy. She says they won't do it for about a month after radiation is over, so they can make sure they capture progress. Apparently I keep nuking even after treatments stop, simmering, so to speak. I think I got a big dose today. I slept almost all day after getting home. I didn't make my phone calls, which were all to doctors for appointments for which I do not have copays available currently, so I got depressed and went back to bed. Woke up shortly before 8:00pm to my 18 yr old son asking what was for dinner...as if at that age he can't forage for himself! And when, in the last month and while, have I handed him dinner?? We have tons of left-overs from the wonderful meals that have been brought in; it's 9:00pm and he finally remembered a piece of chicken he had put in the freezer from one of those meals.

One of my running-out prescriptions is zanax. The one that keeps me semi-sane. The one that lets me sleep. I took a partial dose tonight to save some for tomorrow. I hope I can sleep tonight.

Listening to my "theme song" on my play list. Awesome song...some of the words (the chorus/refrain) I find comfort in:

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you!

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry (don't you cry no more)

I know; I'm a sap and a whiner. I added this song to my play list because they played it on a TV show the other night, and it's my era, and it's awesome...and then felt touched and shored up by some of the words.

I had something else to whine about, but now I can't remember what it was and gosh I hope I can get back to sleep.


Mary said...

Gripe and whine all you want. It's okay. It's your blog and you can whine if you want to! Besides, you need to be able to vent, and if no one is there to vent to at the moment, you might as well leave it for us to hear later. I hope that things have improved since you posted this, though. Specifically, I hope they have cut you a check!!! Those dorks.

Carry on my wayward son!

by...K@ Ashcroft said...

Back when Gary was a teenager and this song would come on the radio he would announce to whomever was in listening range that this is our Mom's favorite song and then crank it up and sing at the top of his lungs. She would cringe and then laugh because she loved a good teasing from her "wayward" son. Good memory.