Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Real Deal

I do not know what to do...the situation seems so hopeless, and I feel so helpless. There is a month's gap between Short Term disability, and Long Term disability; meaning I will have nothing coming in for October. There is so much to deal with with AHCCSS, DES, trying to get benefits; with the application process for disability, which I hear takes a LONG time, and is usually denied the first time around. Tonight I feel like I have no choice but to try to go back to work by October 20th. I just don't know if I can.

I know of two women who have died from metastatic breast cancer. One was a couple years ago, a friend of my sister's, and recently the wife of my aunt's boss. Both of them went quite quickly, once it hit the organs. Both of them had husbands and the luxury of just being sick. Why couldn't I be the one to go quickly? Why couldn't they linger for years? It seems so unfair, and so unrealistic for me to try to deal with all this. Do I walk away from the house? Try to sell it? Live in the car? 9 days to the scan, then 7 more to the doctor, and I have to admit that I hope the results are very very bad.

Has my life not been crap enough? Why do I have to struggle through the financial side of this alone? It would seriously be less expensive to just die. The bills are stacking up, pouring in...and I don't even understand half of the information I've received regarding benefits and disability from work.

Here I am crying at bedtime, and I'm sure I won't be able to sleep. Tomorrow I will call the EAP support line, and try to get in to see a counselor, although, frankly, that just gives me a place to cry. I guess they have financial counselors too though. And I need Brad to see someone too.

I thanked and hugged the nurse who found me, unconscious, heart not beating, in the hospital. I'm just not feeling very thankful for that right now. Yeah, there would have been things to sort out, and Brad would have been devastated, not being prepared, and would have to go live with Dad and Jolyn...he would not have been happy. He's not going to be any happier when it happens unless I can get through this few months of financial mire, get him employed, and get everything "in order". I just feel like I cannot cope with all of this. Hence my hope that I truly am dying. I know that is a bad thing to say, and just points to depression, but seriously, it's reality-based depression! There's too much to do, and I am not feeling well tonight. My hands hurt, my muscles have that all-over ache, like when you have a flu, and I have a low-grade fever. Sometimes I feel sick like this and sometimes I feel like I really should try to go back to work. But my bones hurt at my tailbone and in the pelvic area; I couldn't sit for more than an hour or so at a time without lying down. If I can even remember how to do everything, and then there's the long drive that's already nearly an hour seated. Plus, I'd have to take more meds to cope with all of that inherent stress. Taking the ADD meds that keep me from screaming at people, also seem to not act well with my Xanax and Zoloft, and I don't sleep well when I take it. I don't know if I can wait 2 more weeks to see the doctor. I need to call the person at his office who talked to the disability company.

I just don't know. Really the only help with advice my sisters give is to get rid of all my pets. That's like a drop of water in the ocean. I called the appt guy to try to get in to see the Bishop, but he hasn't returned my call since yesterday afternoon. My friend who will pick up Brad for church tomorrow is going to mention it to the Bishop. I'm sinking here. I just don't know what to do.

1 comment:

Mary said...

I decided that I would post my email. Here it is!

I read a post on a blog the other day written by a lady (C Jane Enjoy It) who was talking about seasons. She reminded me that everyone goes through seasons in their lives. We have a season of young children, a season of teenagers, a season of adult children. You've been through all of those. We have a season of health, a season of sickness, health, sickness, and on. You've been through all of that, too. We have seasons of clean houses, dirty houses, clean houses, and back and forth. Another thing you've had several rounds of.

The thing of it is, Heavenly Father only expects us to do the best we can under the circumstances we are in. He doesn't expect you to be sick, have young children, and a spotless house all at the same time. Maybe he does expect you to have a spotless house when you have adult children and are in good health. I don't know. I do know that we are a lot harder on ourselves than he is on us.

So, you have to look at your life right now as the season you are in, and don't apply the standards of other seasons to this season.

I know I sounds slightly ranting -- blah blah blah. Sorry! There is a point to this, I promise.

You know, when you had been unconscious in the hospital, and the nurse saved you, only for you to wake up and be given the most awful news, I thought to myself that perhaps it would have been better for you to have just been able to leave at that point, rather than go through the upcoming pain, suffering, and misery of the hand that you’ve been dealt. But then I remembered something that you had said in RS a couple of years ago. You mentioned that you had no idea why you had ever gotten married in the first place, and had one day realized that the reason why was for Brad. So that he would be here, because he had a purpose, and you were the one to guide him.

As I remembered you saying that, I realized that Brad was the reason you were still here – to help him adjust to being with his Dad and Jolyn full-time, to help him learn to serve others, to wrap up all your earthly stuff so that he would not be burdened with financial concerns, or worry about a funeral. To help him get situated with college and/or a job, and to help him get a driver’s license so that he can have more flexibility and independence if he does end up with his Dad and Jolyn.

That, in my opinion, is why you are still here – for Brad. These things that you need to do are not for you, they are for him. This misery that you are enduring is not for you, it’s for him. All these horrible phone calls and plans and the government red tape you are dealing with are not for your benefit, they are for his. You’ve been given a second chance to help him go forward with the rest of his life. That is why, in my opinion, you are still here. That is why you are suffering and miserable with your physical limitations, and why you have all these things to do.

This is a huge thing for him also, and I know that as unhappy as he will be having to go live with Jolyn and his Dad, at least he had this time with you, and you had the opportunity to put things in order for him. I know that the time will come when he will look back on this and be grateful that you were willing to go through all this just to make his life easier.