Ever feel that way? Of course you do. The effing neighborhood is full of barking dogs. The effing neighbors are playing loud music and talking loudly in a drunken stupor. Effing raggedy little noisy kids screaming and running around.
I'm doing this on my effing own. I know people read, and care, but there is no one but me to get the mortgage modification done, to make those phone calls, to contract that bankruptcy attorney and gather all that paperwork. No one but me to be a bad mother to an 18 yr old who still can't clean up and who wrecked his bike again, twisted his ankle, skinned up his knee, hurt his wrist and now can't even get the weeds in the yard whacked down this week while the weather offers reprieve. No one but me to fully shoulder the worry and consequences should he fail to get that honors project finished or that English paper written, and should he lose all his credits and tuition waiver for next semester. This is what I didn't die for? To continue on in parental failure? To wallow through each day in depression and anxiety, a few decimal points short of needing to be on a watch list?
Oh, and now the effing noisy motorbike again; the one they rode up and down and up and down the street last night until well past midnight...
I have no husband for whom to stick around. No small children to finish raising and with whom to spend more time. Grandchildren are a long way off, thank goodness, so they aren't even motivation to keep going.
Shit. Just remembered I set my facebook up to automatically post blog entries. This sure doesn't belong there, and I certainly don't want my son reading this. I think he may be depressed, on top of ADD and barely-into-college teen-aged angst. I had to drop him from my insurance, because I am paying COBRA. I can't even take him to the doctor. Will his father step up if/when I die, if my son still needs to be parented? He sure hasn't shown the ability or desire thus far. I can't do much for him in my current condition, so I really am not seeing how not dying really was of much benefit.
Don't anyone dare say you would miss me. It's not about you missing me. It's about me hating this effing futile existence and wanting out. 20 more months in the countdown to Medicare. Anything serious comes up between now and then, tough shit. I'm not having any surgeries, brain radiations or seeing any orthopedic doctors. I'm not changing medicines or doing any chemos. Even if I do make it to that magical two-year mark to which the government is sure I'll live in order to see Medicare, I am not doing anything drastic to drag this crap out. So nothing better break. Effing bones had better hold up with this effing Zometa treatment. Effing CEA numbers had better stay where they are with Femara. If it spreads, it better spread straight to somewhere that will kill me fast, because I am not putting myself through treatment HELL to stay around and suffer through more of this effing life. This effing neighborhood. My effing disability qualifications, the effing guilt and the effing frustration, futility and daily funk.
Perhaps, as the anonymous internet comedian at some point said, my only purpose in life IS to serve as a warning for others.
If I thought skipping my Femara would be a speed pass to ending this effing mess, I would stop it tomorrow. I am not to the point yet where any speed passes are available, however.
(pause)
Went to meet the woman who is using the photos of my bracelets in paintings! They are so beautiful! She's going to give me one when they are all finished!! Poor Ellen though; I cried on her shoulder, spilled bad life attitude all over her, and she'd just met me. Well I wasn't exactly in good shape when I left here to go meet her!
I do feel a little better now, for having verbalized it to poor Ellen. Haven't changed my mind about any of it, just no tears streaming down my face at the moment.
Showing posts with label bad attitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad attitude. Show all posts
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Crappity Crap Crap Crapness
Yeah, bad words...running through my head. But listening to my uplifting music and trying to get through this part of the day.
I did not even take a baby step today. Unless paper-clipping two important papers together can count as a baby step.
Missed church yesterday. Had my clothes all laid out, bag packed with music, scriptures, everything...then woke up and could barely move without pain. Even the knuckles in my toes hurt! Could barely move my fingers, knuckles hurt so badly! Arms and shoulders too. Didn't know to what to chalk it up until I heard on FB from a friend that she couldn't get up either and said it was her fibromyalgia. So...something in the weather, must have been my fibro. Stayed in bed nearly all day, missed church, showered later (new thing; standing in the shower and crying), went back to bed, got dressed only because Mom was expecting us for dinner. Had to take the walker! Got some ibuprofen on the way (of which I was out) and have been taking that.
I hated missing church, now that I'm able to get there. And choir practice! Staying on the ibuprofen, the only pain med I am on, and it helps me walk easier. More easily. You tell me, Mary. But...hearing that it was blamable on the weather, I was oddly relieved that it wasn't cancer having a growth spurt overnight!
I have been reading blogs and posts of fellow METS survivingers...surviving day by day...and people going on and on and on...cancer spreading, more chemo....still going on and on...GOOD ON THEM!! But I don't want to go through all that!! I want to go in for a scan one day and have my liver be COVERED in inoperable lesions and those effing ridiculously low numbers that I don't trust anyway having gone SKY high....couple weeks in and BAM...Alma 40:12.
Seriously, my doctor telling me that the 5-15 yrs my radiologist told me is "best case scenario" is starting to seem a bit low-balled! I'm thinking too much about it again, and stressing...because I have so much to stress about!
Sister helping me with the logistics of the fiscal solutions (ah ha, make sense out of that!), and she says "baby steps, just do something each day"...but some days I just can't do it! And I need to go faster, get this crap done!! They keep telling me if I can get through this fiscal crap, get on a level playing field, so to speak, I'll feel so much better...and then be able to try to make it through the 2 effing years waiting time on SSDI until I qualify for Medicare...meanwhile 2 years of COBRA will surely land me living in my car!
That is my fear. Living on too long, too much to deal with, and ending up living in my car.
Yes, bad attitude day, I suppose you could say.
BUT I'm making, and have made about 5 so far, bracelets with letter beads that say "surviving". This is my quest, to make that more in vogue that "survivor", which I may have discussed earlier or not. If not, I'll go on about it later. I want to make a BUNCH of these bracelets (got more letter beads on sale this week) and give them out in my support group, and my friends at church who I know to have had cancer. Tiny little bits of positivity here and there, until I get bored sometimes, and frustrated.
Posting while my Playlist is running is messing it up, and I want to listen to music. Signing out...Shelli G., SURVIVING in AZ. Surviving the Dirty Pink Underbelly. For now...and for many years to come because if it's crap, that's how my life will go.
I did not even take a baby step today. Unless paper-clipping two important papers together can count as a baby step.
Missed church yesterday. Had my clothes all laid out, bag packed with music, scriptures, everything...then woke up and could barely move without pain. Even the knuckles in my toes hurt! Could barely move my fingers, knuckles hurt so badly! Arms and shoulders too. Didn't know to what to chalk it up until I heard on FB from a friend that she couldn't get up either and said it was her fibromyalgia. So...something in the weather, must have been my fibro. Stayed in bed nearly all day, missed church, showered later (new thing; standing in the shower and crying), went back to bed, got dressed only because Mom was expecting us for dinner. Had to take the walker! Got some ibuprofen on the way (of which I was out) and have been taking that.
I hated missing church, now that I'm able to get there. And choir practice! Staying on the ibuprofen, the only pain med I am on, and it helps me walk easier. More easily. You tell me, Mary. But...hearing that it was blamable on the weather, I was oddly relieved that it wasn't cancer having a growth spurt overnight!
I have been reading blogs and posts of fellow METS survivingers...surviving day by day...and people going on and on and on...cancer spreading, more chemo....still going on and on...GOOD ON THEM!! But I don't want to go through all that!! I want to go in for a scan one day and have my liver be COVERED in inoperable lesions and those effing ridiculously low numbers that I don't trust anyway having gone SKY high....couple weeks in and BAM...Alma 40:12.
Seriously, my doctor telling me that the 5-15 yrs my radiologist told me is "best case scenario" is starting to seem a bit low-balled! I'm thinking too much about it again, and stressing...because I have so much to stress about!
Sister helping me with the logistics of the fiscal solutions (ah ha, make sense out of that!), and she says "baby steps, just do something each day"...but some days I just can't do it! And I need to go faster, get this crap done!! They keep telling me if I can get through this fiscal crap, get on a level playing field, so to speak, I'll feel so much better...and then be able to try to make it through the 2 effing years waiting time on SSDI until I qualify for Medicare...meanwhile 2 years of COBRA will surely land me living in my car!
That is my fear. Living on too long, too much to deal with, and ending up living in my car.
Yes, bad attitude day, I suppose you could say.
BUT I'm making, and have made about 5 so far, bracelets with letter beads that say "surviving". This is my quest, to make that more in vogue that "survivor", which I may have discussed earlier or not. If not, I'll go on about it later. I want to make a BUNCH of these bracelets (got more letter beads on sale this week) and give them out in my support group, and my friends at church who I know to have had cancer. Tiny little bits of positivity here and there, until I get bored sometimes, and frustrated.
Posting while my Playlist is running is messing it up, and I want to listen to music. Signing out...Shelli G., SURVIVING in AZ. Surviving the Dirty Pink Underbelly. For now...and for many years to come because if it's crap, that's how my life will go.
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