The Real Deal

I do not know what to do...the situation seems so hopeless, and I feel so helpless. There is a month's gap between Short Term disability, and Long Term disability; meaning I will have nothing coming in for October. There is so much to deal with with AHCCSS, DES, trying to get benefits; with the application process for disability, which I hear takes a LONG time, and is usually denied the first time around. Tonight I feel like I have no choice but to try to go back to work by October 20th. I just don't know if I can.

I know of two women who have died from metastatic breast cancer. One was a couple years ago, a friend of my sister's, and recently the wife of my aunt's boss. Both of them went quite quickly, once it hit the organs. Both of them had husbands and the luxury of just being sick. Why couldn't I be the one to go quickly? Why couldn't they linger for years? It seems so unfair, and so unrealistic for me to try to deal with all this. Do I walk away from the house? Try to sell it? Live in the car? 9 days to the scan, then 7 more to the doctor, and I have to admit that I hope the results are very very bad.

Has my life not been crap enough? Why do I have to struggle through the financial side of this alone? It would seriously be less expensive to just die. The bills are stacking up, pouring in...and I don't even understand half of the information I've received regarding benefits and disability from work.

Here I am crying at bedtime, and I'm sure I won't be able to sleep. Tomorrow I will call the EAP support line, and try to get in to see a counselor, although, frankly, that just gives me a place to cry. I guess they have financial counselors too though. And I need Brad to see someone too.

I thanked and hugged the nurse who found me, unconscious, heart not beating, in the hospital. I'm just not feeling very thankful for that right now. Yeah, there would have been things to sort out, and Brad would have been devastated, not being prepared, and would have to go live with Dad and Jolyn...he would not have been happy. He's not going to be any happier when it happens unless I can get through this few months of financial mire, get him employed, and get everything "in order". I just feel like I cannot cope with all of this. Hence my hope that I truly am dying. I know that is a bad thing to say, and just points to depression, but seriously, it's reality-based depression! There's too much to do, and I am not feeling well tonight. My hands hurt, my muscles have that all-over ache, like when you have a flu, and I have a low-grade fever. Sometimes I feel sick like this and sometimes I feel like I really should try to go back to work. But my bones hurt at my tailbone and in the pelvic area; I couldn't sit for more than an hour or so at a time without lying down. If I can even remember how to do everything, and then there's the long drive that's already nearly an hour seated. Plus, I'd have to take more meds to cope with all of that inherent stress. Taking the ADD meds that keep me from screaming at people, also seem to not act well with my Xanax and Zoloft, and I don't sleep well when I take it. I don't know if I can wait 2 more weeks to see the doctor. I need to call the person at his office who talked to the disability company.

I just don't know. Really the only help with advice my sisters give is to get rid of all my pets. That's like a drop of water in the ocean. I called the appt guy to try to get in to see the Bishop, but he hasn't returned my call since yesterday afternoon. My friend who will pick up Brad for church tomorrow is going to mention it to the Bishop. I'm sinking here. I just don't know what to do.