Never want to use the bathroom again...

That's right; you heard me! I've been in the bathroom about hourly since about 5:00am...the constipation seems to have broken up a bit, but the explosive remains are killing me, and make my ever-painful hemorrhoids bleed! Not fun, and exhausting, and painful! I kept lying back down after each episode, and suddenly it was 11:45.

I'm seriously considering going back to an all liquid diet (TRUE liquids with NO pureed soup!!), yet I'm starving, so here I sit eating toast. Whole grain. I'm sure that digests well.

I've procrastinated calling my primary care doctor for two weeks, ran out of meds, couldn't sleep at night and have really been miserable for about a week or so. Anxiety has been high. I stay up all night googling metastatic breast cancer and waxing maudlin on Facebook.

I got some meds and finally slept last night. Thank goodness.

Yesterday, before I got the meds, I was lying on my bed resting, and crying, and thinking (which I do too much of) about my respiratory incident in the hospital, when my heart stopped, i.e. I was dead. I thought, why couldn't I have just stayed dead??? And why don't I have some wonderful near/actual death experience to draw on? I remember nothing.

Then, the more clever part of me thought...maybe I DID have a wonderful experience? Maybe I chose to return and chose not to remember (cuz, by comparison it would be no contest, right?)...ergo (love that word) maybe I still have something to do? Maybe getting my son graduated wasn't enough; maybe I need to get him better prepared?

I felt calmer after that, stopped crying and almost fell asleep.

Feel a lot better with some xanax in my system now too, even though my b-u-t-t is killing me, and thinking about a DNR order for hemorrhoid pain.