Breast Cancer Awareness slogans I Hate and why I am Cranky this month...

October. I knew it was coming. Things started turning pink round the edges, and then BAM, full pink bloom. Pinktober.

Personally, and yes, it is usually all about me, I hate the constant reminder that I am no longer a "survivor". I was stripped of that title when the cancer came back and branded me with a big 'IV'. Yesterday I was asked if I'd hit my '5 year mark' yet, and how far "OUT" was I? My reply was that I barely made it three years before being thrown back in, and there's no getting "OUT" of this one. I'm ONE year IN.

As far as the Pinking of October goes...yes, it's all over the top; all the questions...where does the money really go, how much of it goes to research, etc (check out http://thinkbeforeyoupink.org/). Women should be aware, women should get checked, and more money needs to go to research. A cure? Not holding my breath for that one. More effect treatment that is not so toxic to the patient would be a good start. Prevention opens a whole can of worms that we really can't solve unless we go back to the pre-industrial age, IMHO. There are things we can do, but there are no guarantees still.

I HATE "Save the TaTas", "Post a Pink Bra" on your profile, and all the things that draw attention to boobs, jugs, melons, golden bozos, Winnebagos, or even Hooters (thank you Steve Martin)...because not everyone who has gone through this wretched disease was ABLE to "save" their breasts!!! "Save the TaTas" is a slap in the face to anyone who had to have a mastectomy, single or double, who lost all or part of what our culture serves up as the shining beacon of femininity!

I know some of us are more attached to our breasts than others. The decision to lose them or try to keep them is easier for some than for others, but I digress...

The PINK is out of control.

To me, someone who has "been there", what does the PINK RIBBON mean? I do think the pink ribbon has merit. I do still believe that there is power in the pink ribbon. (Gasp! yes, I said that.) When one has just received the devastating diagnosis of breast cancer, when one is facing the new myriad of treatment options, testing, scans...when one is in the middle of this horrifying disease, for which no one signs up...

A pink ribbon on a bracelet, or a blanket, or a brooch says "others have walked this way and many are praying for you". It is courage to face those wretched treatments, knowing that there is an end and better days ahead.

So yeah, there isn't an 'official' color for Metastatic Breast Cancer, which is still technically breast cancer, but we're mostly too sick (though we often don't look it) to be at the Susan G. Komen walk and parade ourselves around as 'survivors'...I'm not dead yet, but I know right now that I have NOT survived breast cancer. (big run-on sentence)

I've voted for Dirty Pink...dragged-through-the-gutter-and-stepped-on pink. It hasn't yet caught on much, other than with me, and really, that's what matters, right?

I would like to opt out of Pinktober. I do have friends who ARE still cancer-free after breast cancer, and this month is for THEM to celebrate.  But it's not for me. And we don't need a whole month. Unless someone stumbles upon the cure this month. Maybe at the Komen walk, if someone keeps their eyes open. You never know what you'll find under a bush, or next to a trashcan. They are, afterall, "Walking for a Cure".

Disneyland Pre-Christmas Trip!!!

Ok, today is actually January 7, 2010; started this a week or so ago and have just been too depressed to write, so since I'm making jewelry today, I think I'm in the mood to post.

I went to Disneyland/California Adventure (the week prior to the week of Christmas) with three of the funnest and best friends anyone could ask for. My BFF (although WE invented that in the 70's but called it "forever and ever best friends", back in the days of the Postal Service, LONG before texting) of 35 yrs treated me to this trip for Christmas. Disneyland at Christmas is MAGICAL, and the first thing we saw, when checking into the Paradise Pier Hotel, was a quartet of carolers in Dickens-age ensemble (said with a French accent), caroling in front of the HUGE Christmas tree in the lobby. They were so beautiful and sang so beautifully, it made me cry.



I made a bunch of pink ribbon bracelets to take, in hopes of noticing people who might be going through cancer, or over hearing a conversation, or something. I wore them around with me, and my friends wore one around too. I think only Raila kept hers, and I have since given the rest away, sorry girls. BUT, I gave one away to a young woman in a crocheted hat with a blue awareness ribbon on her bag that said "survivor". I asked her if she was a cancer survivor, and she was, but didn't go on to any details as we were, at the time, exiting the FABULOUS Aladdin on-stage production. I told her I was a survivor as well and asked if I could give her a bracelet. All very rushed as we were exiting.

On our very last night there, after the WONDERFUL Christmas parade down Main Street, we decided to RACE back over to California Adventure to try and ride the roller coaster one more time, at night. Well, when I say race, I mean RACE! Four people dragging one another along just wastes time, so these friends say, "Meet at the "R" in front, ready-set-go!", and everyone runs and zigs and zags...great fun actually, especially since I was on a handicap scooter thing!! Boy zigging and zagging can be tricky in that thing! Yet, I always got there last anyway....and only a few people yelled at me. (But I did NOT flip anyone off as I zoomed away, since, after all, we were in The Happiest Place on Earth.) SO, as I was zipping down Main Street, a woman stepped off a curb and I almost ran her over...apologies, apologies, and we go on our way, and then the back of my mind registered two things: she had very short hair, all over, like when it's just growing back, and she was wearing a surgical mask. No one else in the park seemed to be still that frightened of swine flu, so my brain, in that split second, knew she had to be a chemo patient. I pulled over to the curb and waited for her and her daughter to catch up to me. I reached out and touched her arm, and I don't remember what I said, something like asking if she was in chemo, told her a brief one sentence synopsis of my story and asked if she had breast cancer...she said no, Leukemia. I took off one of my bracelets and put it on her sweet wrist and said to remember all the people who were pulling for her and thinking of her. She teared up and hugged me tightly and thanked me dearly. In that hug we shared that common bond and I hope I gave her some strength. It was the best moment of the trip, and I will never forget her.

As far as the rest of the trip, they say laughter is the best medicine, and I have not laughed that much since I was a teenager and hung with Becky on a regular basis. I'm sure I talked Jeriann's leg off, though she said she liked it because it helped her fall asleep! HAHA!! We laughed, and joked, and took silly pictures. It was the greatest. More fun that I have had in years and years, and all because of the people I was with.



I had an oncologist appt shortly after we got home, a few days before Christmas. I made another bracelet, so I had three, and I asked the nurse at the end if I could go over to the chemo side to look for people who needed cheering up. There all together at the end of the room were three Breast Cancer Fighters, and I was able to give each of them a bracelet. One stood up and hugged me, the other two were already hooked up to stuff. I think the last lady I gave one to, who was reading a paper at the time, not noticing her surroundings, was very touched by it as I left. I know I felt good.

Doctor said I would be called to schedule another PET/CT scan in January....tick tick tick. I took him yummy hot chocolate from Starbucks, which I'm sure was cold by the time he was able to taste it, but he said he is used to warming things up. He wants me to think about Zometa (?), but I said I wanted to see another scan first, or do a bone density test first. I haven't done much research on it as I've been busy being quite depressed for the past few weeks.

I started on making bracelets again, and churning my head for how to get the Dirty Pink Underbelly thing going. Also decided to change "Survivor" (for those of you who haven't heard me gripe on about this before...since I have cancer again, I've been kicked out of that group, and seriously, you can't really know that you've "survived" it until the day you die of something other than cancer!) to more of an action word; "SURVIVING", which each of us touched by cancer, no matter our stage, is doing daily. It's my quest, my mission. If I can get through the depression of working out my finances, etc, then I shall stop being a depressed ninny and give it my all.

I do still want to die soon, don't get me wrong there. Just don't want it to go to my lungs!!! Poor Annette has suffered so much with that! Stay in my bones and then migrate over to my liver, spread like crazy and kill me fast. That's my plan. Now I just have to figure out what it is I have to finish up here. I think I cried about this the other night. Feeling better today, because it's been two days since I dealt with the mortgage counselors/making home affordable blah blah blah. There are three things I need to get done and fax over. Today being Thursday, I should probably get on that; but one is a "hardship letter"...geez, can I just send them the link to my blog? That one will be hard and make me cry and feel angry.

Back to my jewelry-making, not showered, not dressed, no bra, pretending to be a hippie, sans the ganja....

Lunesta, Hats and Bracelets

First off, drug update, the Lunesta worked last night, Thanksgiving Eve. I went to bed about 11:00 and got up about 9:30. I think I stayed up too late tonight after taking the meds. I am not asleep and it is 4:30am. I did take a three hr nap at 11:30am-ish. Mostly I think I stayed up too late. I need to make that evening schedule and keep to a bedtime! It was wonderful to sleep all night.

I've been thinking about my bad attitude, about the damper I was on the Support Group. I watched the end of a movie tonight, which I'd seen before called "Facing the Giants". A quote from the movie: "We will praise God when we win, and we will praise God when we lose". I am doing my share of losing lately, and I have not been attending church as I should and praising in the best way I know how, singing. I need to get myself there (it's early, and the sleep thing has been a problem, plus the sitting very long thing) and SING...maybe they'll still let me in choir for Christmas. If I beg.

I've been thinking about the hats I crocheted a couple of year now ago, that I donated to the Oncology office for those undergoing chemo. I've also started thinking about the bracelets I have made again. For the past year, with all the pain, etc, I have lost interest. But I think I may feel like picking it up again. I just don't feel the urge to sell them, even with proceeds donated. I just like giving things away. I'll have to come to some sort of deal on that issue. I have two pink bracelets made. I want to give them to the two people from Group who were newly diagnosed, one newly diagnosed, one facing the question of chemo or not.

I'm going to Disney Land with BFF and her daughter and older sister in a few weeks. I want to wear a bunch of bracelets with pink ribbon charms and give them to anyone who looks like they may be chemo-ing for breast cancer. I'll have to wear my pin conspicuously, and I'll be pretty darn conspicuous in my wheel chair. It would work.

I think I will think on this more and hopefully get excited about hats and bracelets again. And get this sleep thing going so I can get to church and sing my praises, even though I may be losing.