M-m-m-my Xeloda...

Who heard The Knack in their head when they read that? C'mon, raise your hands...

I'm back up from bed because my feet are being assaulted by thousands of tiny fire-hot pins...

Thousands of little blacksmiths 
are forging minuscule weapons 

at the foot of my bed 
and thrusting the tiny swords 

into my feet when they come
 out of the white hot coals.

No blissful falling asleep without knowing it...did I take my Ambien too early? Did I eat dinner too late? Is Xeloda going to aggravate RLS? Cuz my whole body feels edgy tonight. I hoped it would make me really sleepy and I would be sleeping more easily. It's only day .5 (since I started with an evening dose)...is this my regular crap, or my imagination, or is it all about to get a lot worse?

Time for a little blog catch up. The pain meds titrating (or a word something like that) is going well. I was nervous about another step down, as I had a couple bad days with the last step. I did, however, step down right when I saw the doctor, and had Zometa treatment. In retrospect, that was probably a bad idea. But I waited until after my birthday this past week to step down another step, just in case. I think I did it Friday, and so far, so good. I'm getting very close to as low as I can go.

For anyone following my CEA, it was up again...over 180 now, jumping another 40 or so. It's been three months on the Tamoxifen, and those numbers say it isn't working. It is currently in Bonus Month time, a fourth month, and I have a little glimmer of hopefulness that something will improve. I quit taking all antidepressants about a month ago, and while the one I was on wasn't high on the Enzyme Interference list, I guess I can still hope for a difference. As I've said before, this is my last hormonal avenue. The next step is chemo, albeit an oral one first. It's still chemo. I see the doctor a week from tomorrow and if the tumor marker numbers show no improvement, he's going to want me to start the chemo. I think this fourth month on Tamoxifen is my hmmmm-ing and hawing month about it. We need to do something about those hot spots before a vertebrae crumbles or something equally painful. Or spread. I guess the rising numbers mean growth mode, and eventually a cell will hop from bone to organ. Since so very little research is done on metastasis, your guess on the mechanics of it all is as good as mine.

The thing bothering me the most right now is the numbness thing in my leg. My hips are out of whack I think, no surprise, and the Radiation Oncologist assumes there is an unhappy nerve. We can do an MRI to pinpoint, or I can keep doing PT exercises that I learned with the other hip in '08/'09, which seem to be helping a bit. I also have thigh pain along with the excruciatingly annoying and uncomfortable tingling, and increases neuropathy symptoms in my feet and lower legs. Oh, and aching legs, feels like bone pain, which may be weather / fibromyalgia related. Won't know until this monsoon season is over andthe dry heat dries back up. In short, my legs are driving me nuts.

Yes, I mentioned having a birthday. No, I didn't do anything fun, though I'm not sure I know what fun is anymore. That puts me just over three years since the stage IV diagnosis. I know I'm supposed to celebrate each year I'm still here, but for me, loneliness is a big factor, and that feeling of pointlessness. The only reason I feel to celebrate is that each year gets my son closer to that college degree that I really want him to finish while I'm still around. I don't trust that anyone else will see him through that if I'm gone.

Which brings us to that morose contemplating death kind of place that is getting more and more real. So let's skip it.

Signing off from my cell phone in bed...here's hoping my legs let me sleep, since I need to be up early tomorrow to drive the above-mentioned college student to school (no, he doesn't drive, and we haven't made a decision on the bus yet, since his classes are at the campus very near our house this semester.)

Cleaning for a Reason

Passing along this info:

If you know any woman currently undergoing Chemo, please pass the word to her that there is a cleaning service that provides FREE housecleaning - 1 time per month for 4 months while she is in treatment. All she has to do is sign up and have her doctor fax a note confirming the treatment. Cleaning for a Reason will have a participating maid service in her zip code area arrange for the service.

http://www.cleaningforareason.org/

Please pass this information on to bless a woman going through Breast Cancer treatment. This organization serves the entire USA and currently has 547 partners to help these women. It's our job to pass the word and let them know that there are people out there that care. Be a blessing to someone and pass this information along.

Lunesta, Hats and Bracelets

First off, drug update, the Lunesta worked last night, Thanksgiving Eve. I went to bed about 11:00 and got up about 9:30. I think I stayed up too late tonight after taking the meds. I am not asleep and it is 4:30am. I did take a three hr nap at 11:30am-ish. Mostly I think I stayed up too late. I need to make that evening schedule and keep to a bedtime! It was wonderful to sleep all night.

I've been thinking about my bad attitude, about the damper I was on the Support Group. I watched the end of a movie tonight, which I'd seen before called "Facing the Giants". A quote from the movie: "We will praise God when we win, and we will praise God when we lose". I am doing my share of losing lately, and I have not been attending church as I should and praising in the best way I know how, singing. I need to get myself there (it's early, and the sleep thing has been a problem, plus the sitting very long thing) and SING...maybe they'll still let me in choir for Christmas. If I beg.

I've been thinking about the hats I crocheted a couple of year now ago, that I donated to the Oncology office for those undergoing chemo. I've also started thinking about the bracelets I have made again. For the past year, with all the pain, etc, I have lost interest. But I think I may feel like picking it up again. I just don't feel the urge to sell them, even with proceeds donated. I just like giving things away. I'll have to come to some sort of deal on that issue. I have two pink bracelets made. I want to give them to the two people from Group who were newly diagnosed, one newly diagnosed, one facing the question of chemo or not.

I'm going to Disney Land with BFF and her daughter and older sister in a few weeks. I want to wear a bunch of bracelets with pink ribbon charms and give them to anyone who looks like they may be chemo-ing for breast cancer. I'll have to wear my pin conspicuously, and I'll be pretty darn conspicuous in my wheel chair. It would work.

I think I will think on this more and hopefully get excited about hats and bracelets again. And get this sleep thing going so I can get to church and sing my praises, even though I may be losing.