Monday, January 11, 2010

The struggle between faith and failure...

Most days I feel like I just can't make it...I can't do's too much and I cry at the drop of a hat...

But right now I'm listening to my song list...#2 ...Lyrics say "With you all things are possible..."

I need to strengthen my faith. I can overcome all my financial MESS right now, with the help of my friends and family and church I will get it worked out. OK, yeah, I am going to die...5-15 years...that's the current joke amongst my friends and family. But I have to battle this depression, which is nothing new, but worse since the cancer (METS) diagnosis, trying to do for others, look for opportunities to serve...and now Carrie Underwood is singing "Jesus Take the Wheel"...

Maybe that is the "thing" that I need to learn from this. To have more faith and put it all in the Lord's hands as he has promised we can do. It has to all work out. I didn't die in the hospital for a reason. OK, I was dead for a few minutes, though we don't know how long. Perhaps that nurse was prompted to check on me when she did, or I would have been dead...easy way out as far as paperwork goes, but I pray that the Lord will help me see what I need to do and help me find the means by which to do it.

So grateful for friends who have been so generous to me over the past 5 months. I know some of them are as depressed as I am, but they are still there with kind words and smiles, and help and trips, and fun, and ideas, and more and more help. Now it feels like Testimony Meeting...haha.

But is a battle between who I was born to be, what I was beaten down to, and now what I am struggling to regain and be the person I was born to be. There's a picture I need to find and scan.

Now "Barracuda" by Heart is playing....yeah, it's inspiring, because when I sing it at the top of my lungs I always feel better!!!!

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