Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Paranoid Rambings

My head is always the parking lot for all sorts of paranoid ponderings, so I thought I'd write some of them down.

Please read today's posting from the blog I follow about Dancing with Cancer. She said some profound things, about living with disease, knowing it will kill you, but just not knowing when. She combined that thought with some spiritual aspects of Yom Kippur. (this is not part of the paranoid ramblings, although it does mention death, etc)

1. My first and biggest paranoid pondering is currently regarding the spinal injections that I had for my sciatic nerve issues in March. I had an MRI done in February, and nothing lit up and screamed CANCER, but...if there were just a few cells floating around, unfed, not doing anything...would injecting my back with a cortisone steroid send them into a growth frenzy? February to July is not that long a period of time for the growth that I ended up with.

2. I fear getting through the next couple of months. I fear losing my house. I fear living in my car.

3. I'm really afraid that I'll just live for years and be miserable, but unable to be normal. I fear the PET Scan showing a regression of growth, instead of an increase. I know, that's insane.

3a. I'm worried about how long I'll have to lie still on a hard surface for the PET Scan. I can't remember. And as much as I hate to ask for things, I may ask the doctor for a Valium for the event.

4. I'm paranoid that the imaging place person who was supposed to call me with prep instructions for my PET Scan in a few days somehow got ahold of my old, disconnected phone number. Now I have to call there tomorrow and find out.

5. I really love the UPS man. He's been such a good friend to me for years at work, and he called the other night, which meant the world to me. I'd love to see him before he retires (soon) and moves away to his farm in the Midwest. I'm afraid that no one would want to be close to someone who might die. I could so use one of his hugs though, from my birthday almost twin.

6. I feel really abandoned by the RS Pres'cy. No one has checked on me. No one told me I was being released from my chorister calling this Sunday. I heard it 2nd hand, since I wasn't there. Besides it being really hard to get up, since I don't sleep at night, and showering and dressing causes me to need a nap, I'm completely paranoid about all the flu germs and colds going around right now. Church is like a total germ-fest. Sometimes I start feeling sick just sitting in a crowded room there. And I know, through Facebook, that lots of families have illness right now!

7. My really old, 17 yr old cat, is looking rough. I thought she was just scruffy, but I touched her today, and she's all matted. She totally stopped grooming. So tomorrow, I have to try to cut her mats off and make sure she doesn't have WORMS underneath them. Yes, my aunt warned me to look for that if she had mats. I am struggling with my conscious right now regarding her lifespan and failing health.

8. Add the 10 yr old (?) dog to the above. Before I went in the hospital, his right eye clouded over like cataracts. In the three weeks I was there, his eye got worse. It's swollen, and red, and just gross. I'm pretty sure he has gone mostly blind. Sometimes he can't find doors, and won't go down a hall if the light isn't on. I may have to take them both to the vet. Do I need this stress? I know Becky will help me do this; she told me she would.

9. OK, some of these aren't paranoid, not as much as the first one. Mostly they are fears and stress. So this one is all the stuff I whine about all the time about phone calls, and applications, and disability, and insurance, etc, etc, ad naseum.

I listened to a song online today that I had only heard once before. Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel". I watched the video and listened. I was so touched, the chorus just spoke to me. I'm going to add it to my play list as another theme song. If I can remember how to work the play list.

Today I was going to get up and make my phone calls. I got up...for about an hour...on the computer...then went back to bed until lunchtime. I didn't sleep; I just lay there. Oh, and I did shower today; quite an accomplishment.

I talked to a dear friend from work today. She and her husband are going to do something for me that is helpful beyond belief. They have no idea. I am so thankful.

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