Wednesday, September 23, 2009


I am doing very well physically, considering. The radiation really helped the hip pain. The problem is I am not doing well emotionally or mentally. Short term disability running out. Need to apply for Long Term, which isn't guaranteed, even though I've been on short term and paying my premiums all these years. Need to apply for Social Security Disability which is apparently a huge ordeal. And I can't get the forms to print on my computer.

Just found out that I need to send a check in to my company for about $300 for my insurance premiums since August. But it sounds like the Long term disability application process has been started. My luck they'll say, nope, sorry; she could be sitting and should be working.

Spent the afternoon yesterday with someone with even more reason to be depressed...she said it would be easier to be dying of cancer. I'd have to agree, but I have a feeling that I'm not going to get out of things that easily. 10 more days to the PET Scan. Maybe I should find some more Ambien? (Go ahead, yell at me.) How do I hope for things to look GOOD on the scan, when I feel so unable to cope? I just don't know.

My ex is going to have to step up and help OUR son with college applications and job applications. HELP, not just yell and give guilt. I can't deal with my stuff and his stuff.

I haven't been sleeping at night again. I'm going to have to stick with xanax in the mornings and not take the Adderall. That seems to be what makes me not sleep; taking Adderall in the morning, even though it's a small dose. So today, after not sleeping, I said screw it, took the xanax, and slept all day.

I started coloring. Yeah, like coloring books and crayons...but I got some colored pencils too, and a book of design patterns that you color in. Did that all afternoon with Becky and her daughter the other day. That was a good day.

I haven't had my blood drawn yet. Maybe tomorrow if I sleep tonight.
Tried to get ready for bed but thinking about the insurance premiums has driven me to the computer. Apparently is was all in a letter that I didn't read closely enough because I thought it was a duplicate. So, we pay it and then have no money left. No choice there.

But my big thing tonight, and seriously I really can't help thinking this...WHY did someone have to find me the night of the "incident"? I mean seriously, I really hope the PET Scan shows I'm dying fast. I've had enough. More than enough.

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